Do you really know what you want?

Why your "identity" is an impersonation

There’s an unspoken truth I’ve been sitting with lately—one that feels increasingly impossible to ignore. Most people don’t actually know what they want. They only want what they’re supposed to.

I don’t mean this unkindly. It’s simply the condition of modern life. We exist inside a cultural ecosystem where identity is broadcasted, not explored, and where desire is shaped more by exposure than introspection and self-inquiry.

What we want is tangled up in what appears valuable, admirable, or socially validated. René Girard articulated this decades ago:

“Man is the creature who does not know what to desire and turns to others to make up his mind.”

We like to believe our desires are special, specific and self-authored. However, we learn what to want by watching what others are wanting. Call it performative culture. Call it social contagion. Whatever the name, the result is the same: we mistake imitation for identity.

Look around and you can’t miss this phenomenon. People rarely crave things for their essence, they crave the signal those things emit. Aspiration has become an act of belonging. A curated alignment with the tastes, aesthetics, and ambitions that signal “I fit into this world.”

But when desire is purely performative, restlessness follows. Because a performance always requires an audience. Your own inner voice gets drowned out by spectators, whether real or imagined.

The tragedy is that authentic longing gets buried beneath a constant pressure to be seen wanting, having and doing the right things. Instead of asking what matters most, you wonder: what does this say about me?

This is why so many live in a state of low-grade dissatisfaction. They’re editing themselves into a life that’s incongruent with who they really are. They’re pursuing borrowed desires and then see those desires as problems to solve because of the misalignment.

As a former luxury brand marketer and advisor, I’ve watched this pattern unfold in consumer behavior constantly. And it happens just as often in the deeper architecture of people’s lives.

It’s not about the bag, but the status it conveys.
Not the vacation, but how well it photographs.
Not the lifestyle, but the impression it creates.

While the genuine glimmers fade—sacrificed for the safety of what looks respectable.

In What Matters to You Most? I write about the scripts society hands us and we unconsciously accept without ever questioning. As a result, many end up living a superficial life designed by collective pressure rather than individual truth.

I’m not immune to any of this. I’ve lived enough lives, pursued enough paths, and shed enough illusions to recognize when I’m chasing something because it feels admired rather than aligned.

But the real us lives in the depths of our shadow self, and our true desires can be excavated from the sediment of suppressed ideas and abandoned dreams. It only takes the courage to examine them without comparison.

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Syllabus

As a continuation of this conversation, I’ve curated an exclusive syllabus for paid subscribers—works that illuminate the psychology of longing, the architecture of status, and the quiet discipline of inner clarity. Think of it as an extended guide: refined, intentional, and designed to deepen your understanding of the themes explored above.